Season’s greetings!! Who else feels despair?
These past couple of weeks have been infused with the anxious energy of the holidays, Friday the 13th, planets retrograde, and of course— a full moon. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. My highlights? Spilled tea, failed knitting projects, Christmas lights that were too bright, and breaking a very heavy glass jar on my toe. I went to the gym hyper—aware of my panty lines and doubled up on trips to see my therapist.
There were also beautiful yuletide garlands with paper stars and dehydrated oranges. I sat on the floor surrounded by twine and pine needles, poking holes in kernels of popcorn and cranberries. But too depressed to hang them, the garlands sat on the counter and cranberries rotted. I carved clove oranges and wrapped them with shiny ribbon. I crafted until my hip-bones hurt and the smell gave me a headache.
Cursed with executive dysfunction, the days passed, and I feel overwhelmed by the inspiration of Christmas. A batch of decorated cookies or maybe a gingerbread house from scratch, just to see if I could pull off a Great British Baking Show signature challenge. Oh, and I’ve always wanted to make a Yule log cake. Or those meringue-sable cookies that one food influencer made. I scroll through my phone and see people doing all these things and more with what seems like no budget and endless time, while I haven't even fully planned Christmas dinner yet. If I’m going to make bacalao the way my grandmother does, I need at least three days to prepare the fish. And with little money, I’ll have to make most of the presents by hand. Fucks sake but where does anyone find the time?
In all honesty, I don’t think I’ll ever avoid feeling the tinsy-bit out of my goddamn mind during this time of year, so I decided to surrender to the season with love. With compassion for my body and my mental health. Submit to the stress with an open heart to my friends and family. Letting it fall like snow.
I cannot contribute to the over-saturation of food blogs with recipes for cookies, cakes, and mulled wine. There’s simply too much holiday lavishness floating around for me to keep my head on straight. No shade, but that’s not what I need right now. What I need right now is balance—balance of the body and spirit. I need to counteract the sickly feeling of sugar. Need to stop myself from lashing out at people who don’t deserve it. I need fresh vegetables and something spicy that resembles absolutely non of the Franco-Spanish cooking that will adorn the dining table.
SO here’s what I have to offer to you, my fellow stressed out little elves.
Start with pickles.
This is the most important food item in my fridge right now. If you don’t like pickles, we simply won’t be close friends. And any kind of pickle will do! Maybe you over-harvested at the farmers market and now have vegetables you don’t know how to get through. There’s another option for you besides saving them for stock. When the days pass and you wonder “holy shit when was the last time I ate a vegetable”— believe in the power of pickles! The sharp vinegar will kill an overstimulated sweet tooth. They also make for great gifts. Pickles are cheap, easy to make from scratch, and last a long time. They cut through richness in a way that will compliment whatever food you have for Christmas dinner. They are beauty, they are grace.
My favorite pickles right now are the Donostia Hot Peppers. They pack a punch are a wonderful addition to sandwich. Eat the by themselves, along with other conservas, or mix them into sauces or salads. I also love Lidl’s Kosher Dill Spears for a much more cost effective fridge staple. They don’t have yellow food dye and keep crunchy for a long while.
Brine
If you decide to make your own, here’s a simple recipe:
For 1 Q of liquid:
2 C of Vinegar (I recommend Distilled White or Apple Cider)
2 C Water
3 TB salt
2 TB sugar
Spices are kind of free for all, there’s lots of variation you can choose from. I personally stick to a couple bayleaf, whole black peppercorn, 2 cloves of garlic, and 1 tsp mustard seed. Turmeric powder will dye your vegetables a vibrant yellow color if you want a classic gherkin look. Cinnamon and other warm spices like clove and allspice work really well with hardier roots like carrots or beets.
Prep your vegetables the same way you would prep for crudités. Peel your root veg, clean the celery, cut cauliflower into florets. Let’s acknowledge that spears are the best way to cut cucumbers.
In a large saucepan, bring your brine to a rapid boil. For denser vegetables (carrots, beets, fennel, cauliflower) add them to the pot and lower the heat to a simmer for about 2 minutes, depending on the size of your cuts. Then turn off heat completely and transfer to clean glass jars for cooling.
For softer vegetables (cucumbers, celery, onion, chilies) you can place them directly into the jars before pouring over the hot brine.
Let cool on the counter before sealing and placing in the fridge.
Be a little naughty, a little nice, eat lots of spice.
In terms of coping skills, I wasn’t expecting chili oil. It serves a purpose beyond just enticing you to the next bite. Feel it stimulate your senses back to life. Feel it wake your body up from a depressed state. Feel your face get hot and burn you into the moment. A good chili oil goes with almost anything. If I wake up stressed and in a ceaseless cycle of overthinking, I douse it over my eggs. The spice breaks me out of the cycle, the heat reminds me I am present in my body. If the day has lagged on and nothing is going my way, I melt cheese onto bread, and drizzle with chili oil. I suddenly have bigger problems than feeling petty disappointments. My tongue is on fire and I feel alive. Embrace the heat.
There are two chili oils I keep in my rotation. One I buy and one is made. One has peanuts and Sichuan chili, the other garlic and chile de árbol.
Laoganma is maybe one of the most recognizable products at the asian market. I owe that grandma, whose face adorns the bottle, so much. When I worked at Cafe Mutton, this was what we used to top off the rice porridge. It’s perfect for fried rice, compliments most veggies, beef, chicken, and pork. This bottle should be a staple in your pantry if it’s not already.
The household chili oil is my dad’s very own creation. A lazy salsa macha, with few ingredients and wildly delicious. This chili oil is king, it sits at the table at every meal.
Viti’s Chili Oil
for 2 cups:
8 Cloves of Garlic
1/4 C Dried Chile De Árbol
A pinch of cumin
Salt
Grapeseed Oil
Peel and roughly slice your garlic. You don’t want the pieces to be so small or thin that they immediately burn in the pan. Fry the garlic in a pan with a little bit of oil, until blistered and golden. Be careful to keep the pan on medium heat, any burnt garlic will make the whole batch bitter. To the pan add a pinch of salt and a pinch of cumin. Toss for just a few moments before adding dried chilies. You’ll want to keep the pan moving until the chillies are toasted and fragrant. Blend the contents together with oil. Store in a clean glass jar.
Other things I have for you are less structured— more “take what you want, leave what you don’t” advice. For instance, popcorn is a totally acceptable dinner. If you don’t have a microwave, you can make it with your biggest pan (a wok is best) with just a little oil and—please— use a lid. Season it with fine sea salt, kosher won’t stick to the kernels, and throw in as much butter as your heart desires. I like throwing sprigs of fresh herbs and tossing it together for a twist.
Use the cold to your advantage, spending time outside is a well known aid for keeping a steady mind. If you find yourself unable to get out of the holiday chaos, go for a drive and roll the windows down. Or visit a body of water. I think I cried at the river like three times over the past month. Not confident enough in my physical abilities to handle a cold plunge, I stick my hand into the water from a safe distance. My skin prickled and turned red, I felt a lot better afterwards.
For those of a witchy persuasion, here’s a little meditation for you: Light a candle and untangle a ball of yarn. Let your mind race about coming home for the holidays and the infuriatingly high expectations. Let it race and keep untangling the yarn. Notice of how the medial task will pull your frustration up and out of your body. How you grow bored of the task and your frustration.
Allow there to be chaos— just like this yarn. Untangle it until it forms a neat little ball, and when you look at it, you don’t feel panic, but the inspiration to get a set of needles and knit. To create from the chaos.
If the expectation is to only be jolly, I will shave my head out of rage. If the expectation is to make copious pretty things with an painless smile on my face, I will tear down the Christmas tree. So, eat popcorn for dinner and drink too much red wine. Be mad and inpatient that dehydrating oranges takes that long and that the cookies got burned. Be sad for the people you can’t be with anymore. Feel gross after eating too much sugar and stress over gifts. Give into all of it. It’s as important as the joy. It’s as important as remaining open to receiving gifts and sweetness in return. The days get dark and winter comes and we exist in the liminal space in-between. We look back and think forward. We gather around in our angst and discomfort to create warmth in cold.